Dealing with myself &

I’ve never been so busy before. I’m so exhausted. Saturday and Sunday were crazy. This week is “pride week” or “spirit week” whatever you want to call it. So I decided that ill try going in early, for the entire day to see if I could physically tolerate it. Two days. I did it for two days. But now I can’t even make it out of bed to go in my normal delayed start. I’m so exhausted and uncomfortable.I just want to crawl out of my body.
I have no idea how I’m going to get my diploma on time; and it devastates me. I wish things were easier. But I wish I was easier on myself as well.

I Went To School Today and survived through it without any major pain or anxiety flare ups. but i can’t believe i forgot how stressful it is, i wont be surprised if i break down soon. i just want to get school over with. It’s Beyond Frustrating. To Be Honest I Have No Idea how i got this far, Or how in the hell i’m going to finish.

And On Top of that i have to stay with in my treatment routine with medicine that hasn’t worked so far. Filling out paperwork, exercising and more paperwork for the doctors.

I’m So Overwhelmed and Exhausted. and usually i can’t pick both to focus on.It’s Either Education, Which I Need to Have to Pay For My Med Expenses and all that other stuff for my future, Or My Health; Which Feels Like is deteriorating already and i need to be able to stay in school or to function. at all.

I Literally Hate How Stressful and Exhausting this process is. I Wish this was easier. Just. Holy Shit.

The Past Couple Of Days I’ve Been So Busy with relatives and it’s finally catching up with me. I’m Exhausted and I’m achy all over. I Don’t know why but whenever i have days where i do nothing, im either really productive with my art projects or insanely irratable and impatient. I Wish i could get myself to relax. three more days until the busyness starts all over again though.I need a Nap.

I hate being cooped up inside all day because of this snow storm and the cold weather. I  Usually don’t mind being home, but just everything in my environment is really stress provoking, and whenever i try to accomplish things i just get so overwhelmed. it doesn’t help that I’m in pain… which makes every simple task a lot harder to accomplish. like the weather woman said earlier “Today is a day of inconvenience and little success.” But Forget the Snow Storm. This Applies to my everyday life.

I had a bad pain day today. it hurts to do anything.

More like a bad pain Week. i don’t think ill be well enough for physical therapy. or anything tomorrow.

 i just feel so awful and i always feel so guilty when i cant. thanks to my parents if i don’t have a productive day; my mind is programmed to rip itself up.

I Hate This.

Today I Had The Worst, and Longest Anxiety attack I’ve ever had before. It was Scary. and mom made me take a percocet. and i absolutely hate taking pills. but i had no idea what else to do to calm myself down; and its easier than going to the Emergency room and dealing with all of that.But Right Now, My Cheast is so sore. and i’m a little high. i just wish there was an easier way to cope with the stress in a way other than taking pills.

Stress, Anxiety, Depression,and Chronic Pain

Are all things i want to go away. I Wonder If if it’ll cost anything to ship them back to hell.

Id Like A Refund On My Body Please?

I’m In So Much pain today. I Fucking Hate This.I Just Wish There was something in the mean time that i can do to stop it. or at least make it feel a little better.

And yesterday was shit.I’m So Sick of people. the more i go to school and or social events someone always ends up making me feel awful about myself. all my peers are ass wholes.

And I Have a 3 tests tomorrow. and i cant concentrate on anything and the pain im having will probably convince me to go to sleep soon.i Don’t See why i don’t just drop out already. I’m so frustrated with everything.

i Wish there was SOMETHING. that can make any of my social, academic and or physical problems a littler easier. That would make the world to me right now.

Mom Woke Me Up Early today. 2 hours early to find out i HAD an appointment but she canceled it. yes it makes no sense to have an appointment to discuss why a medicine didn’t work. it is what it is, and concerning meds id like to leave it at that. but now im up with everywhere pain. and i have my English midterm later. and my joints are killing me. so IF i get up to the fourth floor in my high school. ill have to use the hand to write a lot of words. with my hands. that don’t want to work today.And if i miss the midterms. ill stress out. have another anxiety attack.

So if i chose to skip. ill be nervous anxious freak. if i go, ill make a scene and scream from pain or something. there are no positives to this day, besides the fact that I’m watching netflix(parks and Rec) and i have enough episodes in the series to make it through the next few hours.

The Past Couple of days my depression has been really horrible. i cant really explain it. i dont cut my wrists or do anything attention seeking or anything like that. no self harm. but no real self healing either. i try meditation, everything. but i just feel so empty. and i feel like I’ve said this so many times but i really feel hopeless and its a terrifying thing. i broke down at my 1st PT appointment. i didn’t see the point of it. i just ended up embarrassing myself. like- i just don’t see how much longer i can drag this out. i just wait for doctors appointments. they’re the only thing i look forward to anymore. whats the news? whats going on? what do i need to do to maybe fix all of this. and every time i go to the doctors they say its only going to take longer and somewhere deep in my mind i don’t it to be true but yet im still here saying “if it’ll help I’m willing to do it”  but now i just don’t believe it. the stress, the pain that’s either “in my head” ,”neurological” and or “real”; i cant cope in a productive, effective way anymore. and its scary.

I Just Hope this is my period. my period my period. it plays mind games with me and I’m so terrified by it. i get like this all the time but it never gets any less scary. my period. landed me a place at a mental hospital almost 2 years ago.i just wish i had someone to help guide me through this, how to deal with chronic pain effectively and Ive never felt so alone.

I Just Really Wish. I Knew how to handle this. The stress is making me so much more sick. i can barely talk to anyone anymore without breaking down. I Just.. How Do You Get A Tour Guide When You’re Going Through Hell?

The Stress Is Really Getting to me.

I don’t know how to cope with this anymore.

Last Night was Aweful. There was alot of emotional pain. and then a lot more physical pain that followed.all of the stress ive been having recently just hit me in the face, i honestly don’t think i can wait a month for my treatment to begin. its been getting worse too. mom thinks its because i might start my  period soon, because mine starts around when my sister gets hers. i wouldn’t know because the Endometriosis meds I’m on prevents me from bleeding. but my symptoms do get dramatically worse. This is just so frustrating. i had to take two percocets to calm down the pain last night and i still had quite a lot after both of them kicked in. and i hate it because i honestly believe I’m becoming tolerant to them, they don’t help as much as they used to and that really scared me; which is another reason i want this treatment to start sooner.

 i just really don’t know what to do. this is so stressful.and for dealing with chronic pain for 5 years now, i don’t think ill ever get used to it. its a cycle of stress, more pain which causes more stress. its hell and im really surprised the stress hasnt made me seriously sick yet.

I Just woke up from a nap and I’m more tired than i was before it. All I Want is some rest. I’m So. Tired. And Even more crankier. This Isn’t Cool. Good thing i have no plans tonight so i wont accidentally offend anyone.

I’m Nervous About Christmas. Id Either be in too much pain, have too much PMS or just sleep through the entire holidays. I’m kind of sickly praying that it’ll be the pain so i can just take a percocet and be high all day; or at least for a couple of hours to get me through the craziness of the family. i could just scream right now. my god. They arent even here yet and im about to loose it. 

My Joints are killing me so I’m going to engorge myself into the Tonight show and My History Project, and if that’s not enough to tire me out ill watch some Disney movies. its been a rough week so far.