Dealing with myself &

I’ve never been so busy before. I’m so exhausted. Saturday and Sunday were crazy. This week is “pride week” or “spirit week” whatever you want to call it. So I decided that ill try going in early, for the entire day to see if I could physically tolerate it. Two days. I did it for two days. But now I can’t even make it out of bed to go in my normal delayed start. I’m so exhausted and uncomfortable.I just want to crawl out of my body.
I have no idea how I’m going to get my diploma on time; and it devastates me. I wish things were easier. But I wish I was easier on myself as well.

I’m In So Much pain today. I Fucking Hate This.I Just Wish There was something in the mean time that i can do to stop it. or at least make it feel a little better.

And yesterday was shit.I’m So Sick of people. the more i go to school and or social events someone always ends up making me feel awful about myself. all my peers are ass wholes.

And I Have a 3 tests tomorrow. and i cant concentrate on anything and the pain im having will probably convince me to go to sleep soon.i Don’t See why i don’t just drop out already. I’m so frustrated with everything.

i Wish there was SOMETHING. that can make any of my social, academic and or physical problems a littler easier. That would make the world to me right now.

Mom Woke Me Up Early today. 2 hours early to find out i HAD an appointment but she canceled it. yes it makes no sense to have an appointment to discuss why a medicine didn’t work. it is what it is, and concerning meds id like to leave it at that. but now im up with everywhere pain. and i have my English midterm later. and my joints are killing me. so IF i get up to the fourth floor in my high school. ill have to use the hand to write a lot of words. with my hands. that don’t want to work today.And if i miss the midterms. ill stress out. have another anxiety attack.

So if i chose to skip. ill be nervous anxious freak. if i go, ill make a scene and scream from pain or something. there are no positives to this day, besides the fact that I’m watching netflix(parks and Rec) and i have enough episodes in the series to make it through the next few hours.

for the first time since thanksgiving break. two of my teachers were absent and i talked it over with my guidance counselor and i might be transferring to a new school program thing. its at night so it my be easier for me to attend (no doctor appointments would interrupt and evenings are usually better for me. and its a way i could get my diploma much easier and faster. but still. I’m nervous. and i don’t know. I’m meeting with the counselor there (at the night school from the next two towns over) on Monday to figure everything out.

So In The Meen Time i continue working like a slave child on a months worth of schoolwork and try to get out of bed and into my current school all at the same time.

I’m Not really sure what i want at this point.

But all i know is that i’m getting my diploma one way or another.

Earlier today i was thinking of going to school tomorrow; and now I’m thinking that’s a joke; because i can barely walk, let alone type on this keyboard, i have no idea how ill be able to hold a pen. but if i were able to go, i would. i miss- everything even though i hate the majority of it.

I Think ill still try in the morning.

Damn, i’m quite the dreamer.

I haven’t been since thanksgiving break. So its kind of a big thing for me.

My Upper Back And Abdomen Are Giving Me Hell Today. I Only made it into school two days this week. and I’m not going in today; but hopefully i can be somewhat productive.

i dont want to go to school anymore. i have no real support there. everyone asks my sister “is erica still going to school?”.and to my face “i’m pretty sure youve already dated out; why dont you just give up already?”etc. like- its great that people just assume im going to drop out; but id love to to get away from those freaks and all the work and that struggle to stay in hell throughout the day. i dont know why home schooling hasnt been brought up yet. Can I Just Please Make it out of highschool Alive?

I’m so anxoiuse lately. i just want a break. but thanksgiving break just went by and somehow thats not good enough. i wish things would be easier. i just hate putting up with people and listening to their whining how “life is so hard, my parents grounded me, i couldnt go to that concert becuase of that other concert i went too.. ” just shut up. i just want to understand what the hell to write down and go home. i feel like im asking for alot too.  

Today is going to be hell.

I Just want to crawl back into bed.

I’m So Anxious for school today i have no idea why… i just don’t want to go. i’m so sore and i’m in pain and an emotional wreck.

I Want to go back to bed.

I’m So Exhausted and I Have So much Homework.

Grades Close Thursday And I Have four quizzes and two tests to make up. I Hope They Give Me an “Incomplete” rather than an “F” on them.I promise, i will make them up, its just i want to catch up but not get so exhausted from it that i have to miss a significant amount of school again.

This Is Frustrating.

Someone Please Do my Make-up Homework

I Don’t Know Why I Bother With It Though. Becuase I Want To Drop Out anyways.

 Im back from camping. and i never doing it again. well with my family and the other heard of beasts. My Endo and IBS dramatically slowed me down.  I’m just Happy its over, and that i wasn’t the only constipated kid on this trip*

& i maybe went running once for this entire week (besides tonight) and damn. running on level ground is so much easier than hills. but im building more endurance which is great. im excited for cross country. and school to start back up again. Summer is Awfly Lonely.

i cant believe it but i finally made progress on my run tonight. i went further with shorter/fewer breaks. I’m literally. so happy. aha i feel so accomplished. because lately I’ve been so down on myself, that and Ive been achy which i think is a side affect from something I’m on… But i did it!

But I’m not anywhere close to being ready for cross country yet. practice starts soon and i KNOW i wont be able to be on the team (well technically they cant kick me off since no one signs up for it… aha.) But the sport is demanding just like any other. and i know my body isn’t ready yet but I’m not going to give up too soon. I’m going to practice until i cant handle it anymore. Its Not Quitting time yet.

& i wont be stopping even if i do drop myself from the team…still going to be running because i do have track/wresting for winter.(haven’t decided yet) and tennis in the spring.

Im Just- So Happy.becuase never in a million years have i ever expected to get myself in to a sport, its always been a dream of mine though. this might actually be happening. oh. my. goodness.

I’m So Stressed out and i have one day left of school. i have Three exams to do and then i have to come back during the summer to make up an English midterm. I’m so stressed and exhausted; I’m not nervous about the tests, I’m just sick of my mom nagging me about it. i need to relax, and if i keep stressing like i am, I’m going to have a flare up then i wont be able to do my exams at all. Just Please mom, Take Your Helicopter parenting somewhere else, i cant do this so much easier if you got off my back. jeez.

I’m Beyond Over Stressed & its Only Tuesday. I Got Work Piled on me today and I only Missed two fucking days of school this time. I don’t think i have enough time to finish it by the deadlines either. i would run the stress off but lately, not even exercise has given me satisfaction that and my allergies have been acting up. & I’m on my period. So my Endo Is is freaking with my IBS Too(and since i have stress, my IBS is giving me sever chest pains). Everyone Hates Erica Today. Fuck Everything.

I Am Not Ready For School Today. My Cramps are acting up and my insides hurt. i have a math test, french presentation and i have to stay after for history today to make up two other tests. Today is going to be a ridiculously long day, and i am stressing out about it, so now my chest hurts because of my lovely IBS. I Just want to go back to bed. Wish me Luck.