Dealing with myself &

Its Bothering me. Just Because One treatment or experience hasn’t helped them doesn’t mean it wont help me. and honestly this is my last resort by trying all the alternatives because conservative/traditional medicines haven’t had a positive effect on my health.  Sorry I have Faith in people, even if they don’t have a white jacket, because often those can be very intimidating.

I Just Don’t See The Problem with it. It’s my health not yours. and saying how chiropractors cant help me because they aren’t real doctors. is like saying Exercise cant help reduce the effects of stress, or how eliminating meat out of your diet cant help lower cholesterol. Which is all complete Bullshit.

I just don’t understand how its ignorant of me to widen my options since traditional things haven’t helped me. and honestly their just making asses out of themselves.

Am I The Only Cat On Tumblr with an interlocking issue with depression and chronic pain?

all these guys on the “depression” or “suicidle” tag are like. zomg you guys dis blood feels so good. yeah. Youre Posts are not helpful.Personally, i dont cut, becuase hey. thats nasty and if youre ganna ask for help do it, not slit your wrists becuase no one can see your “cry for help” when its covered by your asking alexander bracelets from hottopic. 

And On the Chronic Pain its like; You guys make legit sence lets be best friends.but then again all the people that seem so lovely live hundreds and thousands of miles away from me.. that or have this ridiculouse amount of hope that comes from who knows where and it doesnt seem to be a depression/suicide issue. just a frustration issue. which is so reasonable

I Dont mean to offend but like- i just dont understand. i feel stuck in the middle almost. I Dont Know where to go, and i have been seeing a therapist, just not every week like a should becuase shes “booked up” and my friends arent friends at all theyre all asswholes. the other night one of my “friends” said i have a reasonable reason to commit suicide. and it doesn’t help when in the back of my mind i have the memories of the words from dad and everyone else ” you’ll never make it in high school” “You’re going to be in bed for the rest of your life” “you’re lying for attention” “go and kill yourself already” “i don’t blame you you have a reasonable reason to commit suicide.” “its all in your head.” etc.

i Just don’t want to go to another mental hospital again because i didn’t belong there; a bunch of stoners with behavioral problems. with no endometriosis friendly food. Its funny. when you scream so much in pain and the REAL crazy people who are in for attempted murder think that YOURE the crazy one.

I Just. is This Normal? To Be So Stressed, Worked Up and Depressed? I Just- I Feel So Alone. I Wish It Would Stop.

IBS is So Frustrating. Even Though The Doctors are “trying” to cure me because they don’t believe in IBS since there’s always an underlying problem. Well. Ha ha. You’re Funny.

I’m So Tired Of It. Its Such an Awful Thing and i know, i Complain a lot but seriously. the cycle never ends. Take Pain Meds. Get Constipated. Take Laxatives. Pain Pain Pain Pain Pain. Poop. More Pain. Take more Pain Meds. Seriously. If There WAS a god. Id Like Him To Show Up and Save me Soon. This Is Fucking Hell.

Oh. And on a more Personal Note, if This wasn’t personal enough…School has been So Difficult. The Stress And All The “catching up” but never catching up process..is so- i wish i could just call it quits. But “No” They Say,The peers, The Doctors, The Family. Urg.I Don’t See The Point In it. I’m in So Much Pain and With the Friendly Depression, getting out of bed, let alone going to school is hard enough. If I Dont Drop Out. Yeah ill Get My Diploma. But My Problems Are Chronic. With No End. And Always There. So I Doubt, In This Economy, i would be able to support and maintain a job for myself anyways.Too Sick.If only this was the 19th century again. I Could Give Up School And Paint My Life Away Just Like Picasso. Too Bad Its Unrealistic For The 21st Century. Oh America. My Dreams Are Fucked Becuase Of You.

I Thought I Had My Period LAST week because of all the achy pain & Cramps. i thought i was having it. But Nope… It Started Yesterday. severe pelvic pain, extreme back ache(the reason i didn’t go to school. it hurts to lay down, let alone sit up/stand up.) and im just achey, headaches. everything uckie. I Don’t Know how i do this, but i forget how much hell endometriosis gives me. 

Speaking of which, my coach for XC has been irritating me.alot. she knows about my med. issues. she always asks if im okay, i say no, the stomach, chronic fatigue, cramps etc. and she just says “what else is new?” I Hate That. Because as Much as we’d like to admit it, You Can Not Get “Used” to Chronic Pain. We’re only used to expecting it everyday.Only Saying That Because We CANT control it. & for me itsso hard to manage it. 

You Cannot Get Used To Chronic Pain. You Don’t Build Up a Tolerance To It as If You Were On a Drug. So To Everyone Whose Telling me To “suck it up”… 

Just Seriously. Fuck You. :C

Those Two Girls who don’t take advantage of practice and do their best, or even try hard

That One Girl who doesn’t wear pants to practice(under armour. but hey you can see the bottom of her butt cheeks. im not complaining..its hot. but not appropriate.)

 The Freshman who Don’t Listen to the coaches.

The Freshman who intentionally miss practice.

that Boy Who Doesn’t Understand how I’m A Junior.

How I’m in pain every practice and running gives me rib cramps, when i walk, i get severe abdominal cramps.

Missing Practice Because Of A Chronic Illness / Doctors Appointment.

Constantly having to explain how i have medically something wrong with me.

The Sore feet.

I Hate Myself For It. I Caused My own Pain This Time. I Mixed Pleasures with reality and now I’m paying for it. My Organs Feel like They’ve been turned inside out and I Cant Explain It. And I’m Afraid If I Cry, It’ll Make It Worse. Everything Hurts, What Id Do To Be a Normal Girl And Complain about a heavy period and broken nails.

& I Hate How People Tell me How Jealous they are of me since i don’t get my period. well when i do, i cant function. i can barely move to get up to the bathroom which is seven feet away.I’m Always having PMS.and Just- Listening to other people complain about it, i know everyone has pain but i mean- I Just Wish I Could Live The “YOLO” life.(not drinking and getting fucked every night..but yeah you know.living care free). but I’m not an average teenager and i wont be. i have to watch every step i take otherwise if i fuck up ill be in paralyzed in bed for a few days. I Just Wish My Focus Wasn’t On My Health. Id Rather it be on Friends and My Goals. I Want To Enjoy Life But Instead I’m This Hormonal Time Bomb.

I Just. I Really Hate Pain. I Dont know how much longer i can tolerate this for.its literally driving me insane.

Today was my last day at my partial day program, and i hate the shrink. A Couple days ago he pulled me in for a meeting to check up how i was doing but integrated me on my friend’s death instead. & Today He Made me Realize How Hopeless I Really Was Instead of How i thought i was. He Told Me how My medical stuff was out of the question, and how keeping me alive was their greatest concern.My Medical issues have not only have they limited my mobility,but have made me depressed because i feel like they’re stripping me from my opportunity on a successful life.I’ve Been Trying So hard, through the depression, to keep my head up and work through my school work and a semi-positive outlook-With having Pain..Every.Single.Day.So Before you call out “we Don’t want You ending Up like Your friend”, Be More sensitive, Because Today, It’s his Anniversary. & I’ve Never Liked A Shrink.

My Song is By Bruno Mars , It Will Rain.

& Oh Boy has it been raining. He Broke my heart but its still attached to him. why?

He Made me so happy in the darkest of times, he was a better friend than a boyfriend. No boy, ever before, has ever given a shit about me like he has. He was there for me when i was sick-Even though that’s like everyday, he’d be there when he could. He’s helped me mourn a lost friend, and he was there when i was diagnosed with endometriosis, just. everything. We’d had so many adventures and memories together, the awful terrible and the absolutely incredible. I’m still in denial that he left me. my self esteem has bubbled down into nothing too.I Dont Feel Worth anything anymore, i don’t feel beautiful. He Left me for another girl but he’s still here in my life. and i hate it. He is still my everything and i love him to pieces. Ive tried erasing him from my life, his number is out of my phone… but he wont leave me alone. he says he loves me and sometimes I’m afraid its all a lie… if he loved me, why would he go. Even though we did drive each other insane..we loved each other. and what kills me now, he acts as if he did nothing, he still even flirts with me and treats me with respect. but what we used to have, we don’t have anymore. Ive made so any sacrifices for him, Ive put him in front of my friends, my school work, and even my health. He made me happy for the moment. and now every time i see or hear from him, its painful. it was a waste of 6 months, but dammit i wish i could have it back, i was happy then. For the past two weeks Ive been constantly trying to forget about him.But Everything. Reminds me of him.the back of my notebook for french class says “I Love You” in purple crayon because of him…I’m just so overwhelmed, whenever i clean i always come across things that are or remind me of him and our relationship. He was such a huge part of my life, in fact he was my life. If i was happy, he was happy for me. i just wish he could see how much this has been such an emotional strain on me. I Miss him.& I Wish this could be more than a friendship.. all i know, that this end to this relationship, has been anything but a break. i need one so badly, but these strings he has attached to me, he  just plays with my heart like a puppet. All I Want Is My Self Esteem, Self Confidence, And Happiness back. Of Course him too, but i doubt it’ll happen, even though he was the sweetest boy Ive had, hes gone.  i just wish we could grow up, so he could be a man and i could get over this. Its going to take a long time to heal, at least broken hearts have a cure. No Matter what, its always time. “Time Will Heal” but they’ll always be a scar. so. of course this isn’t the only thing on my mind… but I’m not sure what else to say. i just.. don’t feel wanted. i wish this never happened.

I Don’t Feel Beautiful Anymore. The Scale is Torturing Me. I’m over my heaviest weight now. I Don’t Feel Well, I Cant Get out of The House Because I Cant try hard enough because the chronic pain weighs me down. I Want To Go To School And I Want To work Out and Feel Strong But Getting out from underneath the covers is hard enough. I don’t want to hide anymore but i don’t want to come out. But I do want to change, I Just wish it was easier. And Ive Been Thinking of giving up, but i cant stand knowing I’man idiot for thinking of it. I’m Exhausted. i have been through so much, & i want to stop crying over he past and carry on, i just don’t know if I’m there yet.i miss being strong. I Need Help.

I Feel So Overwhelmed right now, Ive never wanted a smoke so badly in my life and I’mclean. Ive never had so much hate for a person in such a long time, since Ive been trying to hold my peace. I Don’t Even think i can explain whats going on right now. so ill rant;

My dad is a member of the secret association of ass wholesand is ready to throw down any spirits near, he will and never will give a fuck. first off, i never feel safe around him, and I’ve wanted and ran away countless times. It wouldn’t matter what i would do, he would never be proud of me. to him; i will become nothing and a waste of his retirement funds.

He never believes ill be successful, he doesnt even believes i go through chronic pain, i wish i could give him a dose of IBS and Endometriosis,and laugh at his “act”. He’s also homophobic. I’m gay. he treats my mother like shit, Ive never seen anyone so heartless. & watches porn when the family’s in the same room; i mean, when the laptops closed at that angle, its obvoiuse so stop jiggling your balls.ill be surprised if he even loves my mother anymore, they fight constantly. And Even On My Good days, when i feel like i can make it out of bed, he always knows how to make me want to crawl back into it. He Is So Manipulative and disrespectful. i cant even explain this to the full extent, but i just want to get away.

Ever Since i was Eight, i would pray that my mom would find someone better and our family would be happy. It hasn’t gotten there yet, so i gave up on faith. i want this all to end. I want To Feel Safe.