Dealing with myself &

Sometimes i feel like i come off as if im too negative. but i do try my best to focus on the positives. Every day i come up with a list of things im greatfull for in my head and repeat them until they seem to override the ugly in the day. it may sound crazy but it helps when im in the depression cloud. I Need to do this more often though*

I Dont know how this happened so quickly but i cant do anything anymore. sitting up is a challenge and i have no real idea what to do with myself.  I WANT to do things though; like draw and take walks and Run and Ski once it snows. But im just to sick to do any of them and i hate myself for it.It’s Not My Fault im sick… But- I miss Living my life. even though the cramps from periods were “the worst”. but ive found something worse the past few months.& its just been continueally getting worse. I Used to Run three to six miles a day to not being able to walk a single mile. What the fuck Happened.

I’m So Frustrated. I Want to Eat Go To Sleep And Never wake up unless somehow all my pain magically disappears forever.

But that’s Different from wanting to die. I Feel like people don’t understand the difference and i kind of wish they did.It’s just Severe frustration

I’m so agitated right now. i just want to be left alone. the only company i actually enjoy is my dog. she knows when i’m stressed or in pain and snuggles with me. & i love her right now.

We went over x-rays and my back is pretty fucked.

A Normal neck is at a 30 degree angle, and a Normal back is at a 45 degree angle

My neck is at 0 degrees and my back is at 9 degrees.

so there’s going to be a lot more doctor appointments. three times a week. Plus more PT and ugh. my sick days will actually be filled with things to do besides sleep. some car rides a back crack and a long car ride home. i just want to sleep; but i’m happy i have hope in this doctor, and faith that maybe i will eventually get better.

(& Seeing a new doc. tomorrow. Rheumatology.Fun)

But Instead of saving up i’m Spending it like a Paris Hilton. and i hate it.

i was over a friends house last night (already on amitriptyline) and my endo or something was acting up. he got worried and he made me take something per scripted..and once i got home about an hour later i took a diclofenac. and i woke up- eh idk a half hour ago (had another diclofenac then too)? my head is killing me. along with my left shoulder.

I Don’t know how i haven’t overdosed on pain killers yet. i’m not intentionally popping pills, its just whatever im taking simply isn’t strong enough.  I Feel Like One of those people who should go to rehab. but- im not addicted. i just feel. weird.

Going to bed soon so that i can actually make it to my room. last night i cried for ten minutes because i only got across my living room. and then (attempting to) unplug my heated blanket? oh goodness. not ganna even say how tragic that went.

 God Save My Achy Joints.

Late. But At Least i went.I dont know how i did it. but i did, i was for sure i was going to have an anxiety attack, but i didnt. its just tough being in school, in pain and having no idea what im doing. but thanksgiving break has begun and hopefully i can catch up after. i need at least a little break (tomarrow, saturday and sunday, since having company is no pleassure 100% of the time, i just hope i behave myself-since ive been easily irratable lately.)

And I Went to a new chiropractor today and left with higher hopes than i thought i would. but it seems that the Gardisal vaccine definatly made my health decline. (it kind of sucks but i didnt need it- since im not at risks to any HIV’s at the moment. and have never been at risk for it. but im just so used to saying yes to drugs- in urging desperation for something to work. i feel like such an idiot.) But This New Chirropracter seems pretty confident that he’ll be able to help with my jiont pain and so on.He Also said the missalignment is cuasing anxiety too since theres pressure on my brain stem- So Hopefully some stress/anxiety will be released. i just hope im not going to give my hopes up again. but i want something to work. badly. Even though my dad may thing the whole “chiropractic” industry is a joke and all the doctors are quacks; at least they believe me when i say i have pain

I Feel Like I Must Sound Crazy. But All I Want Is A Break. I’m Just Tired of my health being such a burden to myself and others.

I Hate When I’m Like this. Depression sucks, and its not only that, the suicide Thoughts, and the lack of hope. I Just Really Don’t know how to handle it anymore because i cant even handle my own body. I Hate Mourning my own life while trying to live it just because my body cant function correctly. 

Its Funny Too because everyone keeps telling me “things get better” when once it did get better, it became dramatically worse. I Did Cross Country and My IBS and Endo got better and then, whatever the fuck happened with my back- i can barely walk anymore- so besides my entire body feeling like its bruised, my IBS and endo gets worse because the lack of exercise  The Doctors Think My Gardezal Shot set off “fibromyalgia” but its not a legitamite diagnoses yet. But I’m Just On So Many Medications I’m Beyond Aggitated.

I’m So Fucking Sick of this bullshit, because i’ve been pushing through this for so long, and i’m starting to regret not killing myself when i had the chance, because now i don’t think i’m strong enough to even do it. 

This Is So Beyond Frustrating. I Don’t know How To Fucking Handle This Anymore. It’s Funny too, because morally i’m against it, but the amount of deaths in my area  i don’t want to be another “number” on that list of adolescents who weren’t strong enough. But I Honestly don’t want to live in pain everyday, its exhausting  and right now, i feel so sick, (physically and emotionally)

And i Don’t want to go to another mental hospital where i don’t belong, surrounded by drug addicts and “almost murderers” and rapists. I Have Real Pain. I’m Not Crazy; i’m just want to be able to live my life without spending all of it in bed. 

Is That To Much To Ask For?

(and ill be fine. i’m just going to cry and go to bed. which is how I’ve made it 6 years without actually going through with this whole suicide thing. Its so frustrating.i cant even describe how frustrating this is, this is a nightmare.)

I’m In So Much Pain, Its Weird, I Respond to the pain by moving (away from something?)like a reflex. then it just hurts more because it doesn’t matter where i move. everything just hurts.like rocks are beings squeezed into my joints. Damn. i’d love a diagnosis and treatment plan right about now. Oh Goodness.

Seeing the Rheumatologist on the 26th. I Don’t think I’ve ever anticipated a doctors appointment so much before. I Wish it would come sooner.

I Feel So Overwhelmed by everything. Thanksgiving is right around the corner and moms trying to get the house clean, which immediately means the entire family cleans. This Weekend i have to clean up the dining room which I’ve been using as my “art studio”, paint bottles and canvases are everywhere, and there’s not a lot of space in the house that i can actually store them, so for the next two months they’ll most likely be crammed in my bedroom. That and The Homework. I have to work nonstop to finish them because their do in a few days. I’m Just So Exhausted by the Idea of any work in general. Not That I’m lazy; its just. The Chronic Fatigue has been really getting to me lately. The School Week Was Exhausting and i don’t get a break once school gets out for the day because the pain usually kicks in more around noon. heavy drugs, then once they wear off i have to push my self to do homework if I’m not asleep by then. and Weekends consist of all my makeup work and projects. i never really do get a break. It’s unbelievably exhausting. i dont know how much longer i can do this. I Need A Nap.

Today I Went to Boston For Some Doctor Appointments. And This Is The First, And Hopefully the start of many car rides home where i do not spend the 2 hour car-ride Crying.

For The First Time The Doctors Are Listening. They’re Not Just Shoving pills down my throat; even though they have given me a new prescription  The New Pain Management team i have, listens to every aspect of the body and they listen and try to accommodate more holistic treatments than the traditional handful of pills. My GYN unfortunately hasn’t helped, but he has apologized for some misunderstandings in the past.

But The Research Clinic Has Finally Opened a Department For Endo Research. I’ve been asked to participate in the study and i’m really considering it. I Personally Do Not Think I’ll make a difference, but i don’t want to give up the possibilities because who knows, twenty years from now my DNA in a rat may be helpful for the cures of others. The only thing Really Irritating me is the Mice Themselves. I’m usually never like -intensely ”animal activist . but i wish they wouldn’t do it on these poor creatures. But Its better than giving experimental drugs to humans (which i have also taken part in a study; containing Prostate Cancer Drug ; Depro Lupron ) I’m Just Hoping this Research ends up positive to the Endometriosis Community, it’ll take awhile. But Maybe Its Worth It.

I’m Pretty Sure I Go On and write at least one text post a day of how exhausted i am. Because yeah i’m pretty darn tired. i wish blogging would make me more awake but the light beams from the computer take something away from me, i wish they would give me nutrients, like a hydroponic kind of thing.I’m so deficient in about every single vitamin. but my supplements I’ve been taking for well over a few months haven’t made a difference. 

Whenever I Tell My Peers/Family i’m Tired they look at me like i have five heads. Mostly because they are aware of the fact that i only have 4 periods rather than the “normal high school” 7. And I get Plenty of sleep.While they’re having 7 periods of AP classes sports AND jobs.Personally i have no idea how they do that. I Don’t think people realize it though, that i’m not healthy as they are, yet they do know i have something wrong with me. I Don’t know. but everything i do exhausts me and i’m not even running in cross country anymore. just walking down the hallway is like a 5k for me now. It Honest to god sucks ass. 

I Just want a break though. i’m constantly in in pain all day. if i make it through school i usually just end up going home in pain. then something usually happens that triggers something then i’m having flare ups. and that usually lasts for hours. that and if i do get sleep other than naps, i don’t feel rested anyways so why bother sleeping at all?

Maybe I’m Just Crazy, because i sure as hell feel like it.

So Another Death happened in my town, its starting to get depressing. i usually don’t know the people but my peers are doing a lot of mourning. Usually it’s a lot of teen deaths-suicide or violence related. Its awful know how you wonder “who’s going to be next” etc. And Its Super Weird because no matter how depressed and emotionally unstable i am, I’ve Made it this far.  I’d Just Love To see This Town Go ONE YEAR without a death.  

Is That Too Much To Ask?