Dealing with myself &

Not Sure If Dog Took A Poop In My Room Or If It’s My Sister’s Weed.

They Keep Talking About me. And I Usually Walk in on the part “Well I’m Sorry Erica’s Sick” and Its More Like Arguing because the Tone of their voices. They Never Even ask me how my day was to my face anymore,or if i made it too school. they like- do it behind my back all sneakily. I Don’t Understand why they cant confront me about anything.And its not even a Sensitive Topic… But It Makes me really uncomfortable now that they talk about me behind my back constantly.

Oh God My Body Is A Mess Today.

Its Weird. I Flinch or try to “move away” from the pain, even though i cant since my body is causing it. I Honestly Don’t Know Why I’m Doing it. Because no matter how i move its not going to change anything. I Feel Weird Right Now.Expecially since this doesnt happen often but it does every now and then.

 Does This Happen To Anyone Else?

Last Night My Dad Was talking about going up to Maine after christmas, to snowmobile and ski with the relatices we have up there. I havent gone to maine since the summer becuase i havent been able to travel becuase how sick ive been lately. and i feel awful. because i miss skiing so much. but i haven’t been able to do anything active at all since Ive developed fibromyalgia a few months ago. i just- i don’t know. I’m sick of my “illnesses” taking away from my life and i said i wasn’t going to let them stop me…but they already have. i just- feel like a burden. because Dad Doesn’t think i want to hang out with him; as does the rest of the family because i keep canceling, etc. i just. i feel like shit. I Want them to realize i care but no matter how much i try to explain to them why i cant/whats going on they don’t understand.Plus it doesn’t help that I’m irritated half the time and PMS about 14/7 so i end up accidentally giving them attitude..Like- They Know I’m “Sick” but they don’t really understand how.

and i feel extra worse because Dad Bought me my first (brand new) pair of skis this year because we’ve been renting for the past 9- 10 years and he knows i cant stand it. And Now knowing that i wont be able to use them breaks my heart. and i cry thinking about it.

For the Holidays i wish things could get a little better. Becuase this is beyond frustrating.

My Dog Doesn’t Go To Bed Without me. I Should Be In Bed though. and so should she. But I’m Up Because of bad pain. i just looked up and i see her laying in the next room over. even though i know shes sleeping. shes there for me. She Usually Prefers a pillow or blanket to squeeze herself on top of, but shes laying on the hardwood floor instead. I Love her to pieces.

So I’m painting…

but i had to stop

because my paints are frozen.

 Oh Lordie.

had one of those appointments today.

Except she met with my mom with half of the appointment. which isn’t really supposed to happen since I’m the patient. But they talked about how they’re going to get a team of 4-5 people together in January to discuss further treatment possibilities.

And She Talked with Me about the CT shooting. and what my reaction on that was; Considering locally our city has lost about 7 adolescents to suicide and violence related deaths in the past 2 years.

We Talked about how the media/society only cares if it affects the vast majority of people, and their safety as a whole, they don’t care about the individuals. Last Year A Student From My school was kidnapped and her body was found behind a strip mall. No one ever mentioned she was gone, besides some notices on some doors at school. but yet on the intercom they’d alert kids that someone is missing an ipod. Not a missing student.Another shot and killed. The Media Touched nothing. Yet Both were horrific tragedies.

Yet Media Tries to redefine the word tragedy. It has to be a massacre to be “awful”, “tragic” “horrific” blah blah blah. Tragedy is any death. no matter how big or small.

I Cant Stop Thinking about Zack. and how i want to do a painting in remembrance of him.

and how maybe i should go to school in 7 hours.

And What Will happen with school. regarding my absences. and all of that

I’m so stressed. and all i smell is vomit and i have no idea why. i think i’ve brushed my teeth several times tonight and i haven’t even vomited in years. just. what the hell.

I Cant Sleep and soon ill be greeting 3 am.

I Wish I could sleep.

I’m So Uncomfortable with myself. My Depression is awful tonight but i haven’t cried yet. My Endometriosis feels like there’s an elephant wearing cleats stepping into me. I Haven’t Brushed My Hair In A Couple Days Due To Fibro Pain. And I’m Terrified Of Developing Dreadlocks.

I Just Feel Like Shit.

Be Careful Out There;

Outrageous Back Pain And possible IBS blocking in the intestines tonight.

Tomarrow’s Forecast; IV Fluids/Nutrients  Mixed With a Fog Of Fibromyalgia.

I Drew Something for the first time in awhile. and i am having wrist/phalangeal pain today and surprisingly it came it pretty well for this Temp. Cripple.

I’m Convinced im the best right now. compared to the dog sleeping on the floor. the sister with the cold and the mom who cant stay awake. For once im healthier than someone.

i really should post art on here. but i dont own a scanner. or i do and just dont know it.awkward.

My Birthday ended up being a lot better than i thought it was going to be. like- i had my pain moments but no major flare-ups. which was wonderful.

I Ended up going to a local German Restaurant with my family and ate my tummy tired. but the food was amazing. i kind of cheated on my diet though but it was worth it (i wont be saying that tomorrow though. aha)  I Absolutely Love Alligator. Duck. and Lamb. And Every other meat that Vegans would throw red paint on me for eating.aha but i don’t know. it was just fantastic

and my birthday presents were pretty rad. because i get excited over the littlest things sometimes. like the goat milk soap i got that smells like lavender mint. just MMmmmm! and My Mom Got Me These Slipper Things. Called “Hot Booties” and i adore them. you put them in the microwave then put them on your feet and they’re just magic. (lately i’ve been having freezing and achy feet because fibromyalgia I’m guessing? but i don’t know its been awful. )

I’m Just So Thankful for the gifts the food and the family that i got to be around with today.I Laughed and smiled so much; more than i have in months. without them i dont think  today would’ve been so wonderful. i love my family. so much.

There Is Nothing happy about it.

i already took 2 naps today. its noon and I’m so exhausted. i did nothing “wild” last night besides cry about today. I honestly Wish Today was over because there’s nothing to celebrate. over the year I’ve become anti-social, emotionally unstable and more sick.

I’m Sick Of The “birthday punches” that my own body has given me so far today. fuck you; uterus, limbs, joints and Intestinal tract.i hate you guys :(( 

I Just Want To Go Back To Bed. 

My Upper Back And Abdomen Are Giving Me Hell Today. I Only made it into school two days this week. and I’m not going in today; but hopefully i can be somewhat productive.