Dealing with myself &

I hate being cooped up inside all day because of this snow storm and the cold weather. I  Usually don’t mind being home, but just everything in my environment is really stress provoking, and whenever i try to accomplish things i just get so overwhelmed. it doesn’t help that I’m in pain… which makes every simple task a lot harder to accomplish. like the weather woman said earlier “Today is a day of inconvenience and little success.” But Forget the Snow Storm. This Applies to my everyday life.

There’s Things I Used To Want To Do. But I Physically cannot achieve them anymore. but that doesn’t mean i want to give up on my education. i just wish there was an easier way.

I’m so run down and irritable lately and its been impossible to be productive. I’m really agitated with myself and the way my health is developing. i just want it all to stop but I’ve never felt so stuck before.

 I just want to throw in the towel and call it quits.

I Dont know how this happened so quickly but i cant do anything anymore. sitting up is a challenge and i have no real idea what to do with myself.  I WANT to do things though; like draw and take walks and Run and Ski once it snows. But im just to sick to do any of them and i hate myself for it.It’s Not My Fault im sick… But- I miss Living my life. even though the cramps from periods were “the worst”. but ive found something worse the past few months.& its just been continueally getting worse. I Used to Run three to six miles a day to not being able to walk a single mile. What the fuck Happened.

Am I The Only Cat On Tumblr with an interlocking issue with depression and chronic pain?

all these guys on the “depression” or “suicidle” tag are like. zomg you guys dis blood feels so good. yeah. Youre Posts are not helpful.Personally, i dont cut, becuase hey. thats nasty and if youre ganna ask for help do it, not slit your wrists becuase no one can see your “cry for help” when its covered by your asking alexander bracelets from hottopic. 

And On the Chronic Pain its like; You guys make legit sence lets be best friends.but then again all the people that seem so lovely live hundreds and thousands of miles away from me.. that or have this ridiculouse amount of hope that comes from who knows where and it doesnt seem to be a depression/suicide issue. just a frustration issue. which is so reasonable

I Dont mean to offend but like- i just dont understand. i feel stuck in the middle almost. I Dont Know where to go, and i have been seeing a therapist, just not every week like a should becuase shes “booked up” and my friends arent friends at all theyre all asswholes. the other night one of my “friends” said i have a reasonable reason to commit suicide. and it doesn’t help when in the back of my mind i have the memories of the words from dad and everyone else ” you’ll never make it in high school” “You’re going to be in bed for the rest of your life” “you’re lying for attention” “go and kill yourself already” “i don’t blame you you have a reasonable reason to commit suicide.” “its all in your head.” etc.

i Just don’t want to go to another mental hospital again because i didn’t belong there; a bunch of stoners with behavioral problems. with no endometriosis friendly food. Its funny. when you scream so much in pain and the REAL crazy people who are in for attempted murder think that YOURE the crazy one.

I Just. is This Normal? To Be So Stressed, Worked Up and Depressed? I Just- I Feel So Alone. I Wish It Would Stop.

Invisible illnesses are so difficult to deal with, to understand , and to cope with. According to the doctors I’m doing everything that i can do to help myself, I’m doing all the right things but the pain still comes on strong. Not a lot of people know what i go through and give me shit about everything i can or cant do. It is The Most Horrifying thing to watch, is your own dreams and life blow away before you because you have limitations caused by a health “impurities”. A Lot..and i mean ALOT of people take things for granted,especially their health. I want people know that i am sick. because i am every single day. I want to show them, because being absent from school everyday; they probably just get the impression that i skip school watch TV, and relax watching the time go by.But in reality i am in bed, in agony waiting for the pain to whither away because no pain medicine yet has helped. Times like this i just want to chop off my locks, shave it all off. Because I honestly WISH i had cancer, to have a clear direct answer, of how much longer i have, whether or not ill have a cure. Because i do suffer just as much as they do.But they actually do have a chance at starting over, they have a chance at saying farewell to all they’re pain and suffering. No doctor, or genetic engineer has ever put the thought of curing a chronic illness to an end, because there are so much “worse” things to worry about but in reality, the traumatic experience is just as stressful and frustrating as anything else. But Its So Quiet,No one sees the severity of chronic pain.. I Don’t see why i bother screaming from the pain anymore,no ones going to listen anyways.

So I’m Sitting here with my pile of makeup work and an awful stomach ache. i wouldn’t be as stressed if my mom left me alone. she thinks that my blood sugar is low and that’s why i never feel good. So for the past few days shes been trying to stab me with on of those glucose testers- those things that people with diabetes use.I have IBS and Endometriosis. She wants me to eat so my blood sugar can be higher so i can feel better- I’m Not a Diabetic, And if i eat at all my IBS will flare up more. I’m Exhausted. I Just want to be left alone and be productive today even though i am having pain. I Don’t Want today To Be A complete Waste.

i hate to be impatient but i really want the lupron to kick in. i got it only a week ago so that’ll be another 3 weeks of waiting. I’m in so much pain right now and its such a strain on my body as a whole. i want to function properly for once. This is so frustrating. i just want it all to stop.

Only Two More Years.