Dealing with myself &

I’m so terrified right now and I have been for the last couple hours. It’s like a wave of paranoia has engulfed me and I can’t find my way out. I don’t think I’ve ever been so overwhelmed in a long time. But fuck I’m scared to death and its all from myself.

wow, i feel like a failure. a huge failure, i didn’t go to school today because of the pain.i really wanted to though & lately i have been going a lot more, and I’m proud…but i couldn’t do it. my entire body was sore and my upper right ribs had a stabbing pain in them, as well as my chronic sines headache due to lupron side effects?. and I’m still experienceing the pain, except i can sit up now. i don’t even know whats going on with me anymore, if its the IBS, the Endometriosis, the Whatevers… I Cant Tell Them Apart And I’m honestly scared out of my fucking mind about it.  I’m scared, i do want this all to end, but not knowing the source of the problem, i don’t think i cant work on whatever i need to to improve myself.

 My diet is still a challenge and I’m constantly working at it. & Ive tried going to nutritionists, but they always suggest bringing the food back into my diet or limit it even more than it is. I Don’t know what to eat, & i don’t know how to get my life back. All I Want is my Life Back & the ability to control it.

she doesn’t believe me. that I’m depressed. she ranted on how its most likely because of vitamin defincencies and all this nutritional mumbo jumbo. she continued to rant about how i had a good life and how i needed to count my blessings, and that our family was decent.i hate my parents because they are so quick to judge, homophobic and tools. i dont feel safe in my own home because I’m afraid of them and i know they wont except me.  so until they believe i really have something to be upset about, they’ll be dropping pills down my throught  until i cough up a smile.

I Think I Have One. But I Don’t Know What It Is. && I Cant Tell You how Scary It Is When Who You are, they go against.

ive been raised up in a baptist christian church.and it has been hell.

although, prayer has helped me get through alot of my medicle treatments. such as my foot surgery and countless endoscopies, whatever else. but the problem is, all these people know about me, and i dont know them and they know whats going on with me. i dont like strangers knowing my business. expecially when they have the nerve to confront me about it the way they do.

and i am not openly gay. around my parents, or the public, only to the peers at school, and four family members.and its scary, becuase the last thing i need to be is judged.

and the preacher, always knows how to get under my skin, and today, might as well be the day that i scream from the pews what needs to be said.

-and this is why. i dont go to church.

i had a doctors appointment in Boston today.my GI doctor recommended me to see a GYN pediatrics doctor.

for the past 3 years the doctors have seen me as an IBS patient. Ive had pain every single day for quite some time and there was never a clear answer. but that changed today

The Doctor i visited told me that i have to get a Laparoscopy in early September 2011 to see if i have endometriosis. he came to the conclusion so quickly. i was in complete shock. I’m really shooken up about it. i know there isn’t a cure, but throughout my entire journey with the constant misdiagnoses there was never a cure to any of it. i think the only thing that shocked me, was that they finally found something that could help me. and its took this long to figure out.

We aren’t completely sure if i really do have this, but ill be going under the knife anyways. this will be my 2nd surgery,- not including the endless colonoscopies and endoscopies,tonsil removal and teeth extractions.

ive been reading articles on wikipedia and other sorces. and i came across this “In addition, women who are diagnosed with endometriosis may have gastrointestinal symptoms that mimic Irritable bowel syndrome.” this, is probally when reality hit me. that this is most likely my reality.  

of course this isn’t my complete story, but its the update so far in my battle. my reaction on this, is completely mixed. and im terrified of the outcome. im terrified of continueing my life with all the pain that ive been having. i think i was happier, without a diagnosis.