Dealing with myself &

I woke up at 5am because my body was telling me to pee. But now its just reminding me of all the scar tissue in my abdomin. I don’t like endometriosis. Nope. Not one bit.

Today In a Health Class im taking… They Described Endometriosis as the “inflammation of the uterus” it made me feel uncomfortable, because its so much inflammation, that uterus cells can grow all over your other insides.Constant Pelvic Pain and all that. Etc.

But I Hate Being in school, having your classmates learn about something; and know there’s so much more to it that they aren’t getting.

Even If They Do Know About It; they still look at me like i have eight heads.

Dad is Currently On The Phone. Bragging about that one week how i made it to school 3 out of 4 days…Which is kind of Rare. At The End of the week, he wanted to take me out to dinner to celebrate. But we haven’t been out yet. but it shocks me and makes me kind of uncomfortable. i don’t know how to react.

I Feel Like I’m The Only one who waits for everyone to leave the house for a while; and instead of watching porn or bad movies; i overdose on laxatives so my Intestines don’t blow up from all that they’re carrying.

 All i wanted to was to be a normal horny teenager. that isn’t going to happen. and when it does, my ovaries will hurt to much to do anything about it.

Oh how i Hate My Body

I’m So Uncomfortable with myself. My Depression is awful tonight but i haven’t cried yet. My Endometriosis feels like there’s an elephant wearing cleats stepping into me. I Haven’t Brushed My Hair In A Couple Days Due To Fibro Pain. And I’m Terrified Of Developing Dreadlocks.

I Just Feel Like Shit.

I’m so run down and irritable lately and its been impossible to be productive. I’m really agitated with myself and the way my health is developing. i just want it all to stop but I’ve never felt so stuck before.

 I just want to throw in the towel and call it quits.

The Worst In Over A Month. My Pain Was Unbearable so my mom and i made the painful and exhausting trip to the Emergency Room.

They’ve added on a new ER since the old one got so busy and crowded. but they separated the Children’s and adult ER so being 17, it was kind of awkward. i was surrounded by babies with a little cold. tiny coughs. some toddles. a cough. no crying. just coughs. another kid (maybe around my age) was just laying, pacing around saying how this was a “waste of his afternoon” with not a wince of pain in his face. another child on the computer and another one jamming to their ipod. i come in screaming, attempting deep breathing exercises to relax and muscle spasms and cramps. I Am 9th In Line behind people that don’t understand the meaning of Emergency.

I Got Weird Looks. Lot. and once they got my vitals it got worse. because a fibro patient loves nothing more than to get her arm squeezed for a good few minutes. another two hours. And Im Finally Transported out of the waiting room and into a hall; then somehow into a bed from my wheelchair.

I Wait Another hour and the pain gets worse. Mom asks the nurse for help, all she says is “Hunny you have to relax otherwise the pain is going to get worse” and touches my shoulder. I scream more. And Get Stressed, because i have been trying to relax I’ve been Doing Deep Breathing exercises. Then My IBS flares a bit and My Endo Says a not so friendly hello.

We Wait. We Wait. We Wait. Nurses are busy handing out popsicle sticks and cranberry juice. We Wait. Major Flare Up. Screaming and now my jaw hurts.

A male Nurse/Doctor comes by while the waiting continued for at least another half hour. “i’ll get you something to calm down the pain, another nurse will be right with you”

This blonde Nurse Eventually comes and says “I Have a shot for you, Pick either your arm or your bum” i think about it, I’m wearing a thong. and also not wearing anything under the long sleeve shirt and i cant roll my sleeve up to my shoulder. she gets impatient “You’re almost an adult you have to make your decision” Mom ends up getting my neck whole to my shirt over my shoulder. the nurse pulls out the needle and counts. 1 2 3. with no pauses. and stabs it into my upper arm and i scream. The worst scream I’ve screamed since I’ve been there along with various cuss words. Because it hurts when my body is touched. especially stabbed with a needle containing 10mg of morphine. I would’ve much rather an IV. It was Unreliably painful. and what happens next breaks my heart

She Comes Up and Yells at me. “You have to calm down other wise it wont help and your behavior is inappropriate, Stop swearing there are babies around If you don’t I’m Sending you to Crisis”

I Scream Back” I AM TRYING TO STAY CALM IM IN REAL FUCKING PAIN AND YOU MIGHT AS WELL BRING ME TO CRISIS BECUASE I HAVE A REAL FUCKING PAIN PROBLEM AND I NEED HELP NOW”

“Stop Swearing There are kids around” she says with attitude.

“I’M A FUCKING KID TOO. AND JUST AS MUCH A PATIENT AS THEY ARE” and that’s what I hate. No one takes me seriously because most teens who come in there come in with a broken arm or are on suicide watch.

They Find Me A Room. so I’m not in the hallway anymore and she pushed the bed and the argument goes on. and i tell her she’s a “Fucking cunt” and other various curse words and she yells at me again.

Once We Get To our Room She Tells Me My Behavior is inappropriate  and mom tries to push her away and telling her that her behavior is inappropriate as well. i get so agitated and end up throwing my show at her and screaming and yelling Continues “I WANT A NEW NURSE NOW. GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME”

And I Never swear as often as i did last night. I’ve never felt so disrespected in my entire life by a nurse. I Felt Threatened. And she absolutely triggered me. she just- argh. i can’t explain it. but both me and mom agreed she was a bitch.

But I Never Saw Her Again. And I Got A Better Nurse, who never mentioned the situation. and mom talked to the new nurse, of how i battle chronic pain every single day. the nurse nodded and and replied of how she had eight kids. she gave me a perkicest.

Once everyone left it was me and my mother and she cried. she cried because the way i was treated. she cried because of the way we’ve been treated by doctors since i was eight. just for a little bit. and i cried too.

I Went into the ER with a pain of 10. then left with an aching 7 and arrived home at one in the morning.

My Birthday ended up being a lot better than i thought it was going to be. like- i had my pain moments but no major flare-ups. which was wonderful.

I Ended up going to a local German Restaurant with my family and ate my tummy tired. but the food was amazing. i kind of cheated on my diet though but it was worth it (i wont be saying that tomorrow though. aha)  I Absolutely Love Alligator. Duck. and Lamb. And Every other meat that Vegans would throw red paint on me for eating.aha but i don’t know. it was just fantastic

and my birthday presents were pretty rad. because i get excited over the littlest things sometimes. like the goat milk soap i got that smells like lavender mint. just MMmmmm! and My Mom Got Me These Slipper Things. Called “Hot Booties” and i adore them. you put them in the microwave then put them on your feet and they’re just magic. (lately i’ve been having freezing and achy feet because fibromyalgia I’m guessing? but i don’t know its been awful. )

I’m Just So Thankful for the gifts the food and the family that i got to be around with today.I Laughed and smiled so much; more than i have in months. without them i dont think  today would’ve been so wonderful. i love my family. so much.

There Is Nothing happy about it.

i already took 2 naps today. its noon and I’m so exhausted. i did nothing “wild” last night besides cry about today. I honestly Wish Today was over because there’s nothing to celebrate. over the year I’ve become anti-social, emotionally unstable and more sick.

I’m Sick Of The “birthday punches” that my own body has given me so far today. fuck you; uterus, limbs, joints and Intestinal tract.i hate you guys :(( 

I Just Want To Go Back To Bed. 

Well. Yeah I Know I’m Sick.

But Doctor’s Visits Have been a lot more frequent lately. Chiropractor 3x a week. IV Nutrients 2x a week; and Therapy Once a week (even though that’s not “enough” according to the pain clinic in Boston) & That once in awhile where i need to see Primary Care. Urg. I’m Just Exhausted.And…They Keep. Adding Pills. This is extremely frustrating. i don’t know what else to say besides I’m Happy That My Birthday Lands on a Sunday; When all the Doctors Office’s are closed. 6 more days until I’m 17. whoop whoop.

My Confidence is so low, along with the self esteem. i’ve never felt so repulsive.I Don’t dress up, and lately im having a difficult time keeping care of my self. But even though my hair is a mess, and all i wear is men’s clothes. like- i dont believe that I’m ugly.Far From it. but- the stress and all of the pain that i’ve been receiving, it makes me feel disgusting. I Don’t really know how to explain this; but i feel awful about myself.

I’m So Frustrated. I Want to Eat Go To Sleep And Never wake up unless somehow all my pain magically disappears forever.

But that’s Different from wanting to die. I Feel like people don’t understand the difference and i kind of wish they did.It’s just Severe frustration

So Currently I’m battling a serious battle of whether or not i will involve myself in some stress eating. Its A Toughie. My Feelings Say Yes, My IBS and Gut Says No.

Me Being agitated and being around irritating people is going to make me fat. i miss cross country. i miss a clear face , i miss that time period where i didn’t feel so shitty; and i just feel 100% gross.

I hate Being Sick and so jealous of people. They Complain all the time and im just sitting there “Damn, i wish i had it that easy, i wish i had your problems instead of my own”

But This Truly Is More than a just physical struggle, its also an emotional slaughter house.

Today I Went to Boston For Some Doctor Appointments. And This Is The First, And Hopefully the start of many car rides home where i do not spend the 2 hour car-ride Crying.

For The First Time The Doctors Are Listening. They’re Not Just Shoving pills down my throat; even though they have given me a new prescription  The New Pain Management team i have, listens to every aspect of the body and they listen and try to accommodate more holistic treatments than the traditional handful of pills. My GYN unfortunately hasn’t helped, but he has apologized for some misunderstandings in the past.

But The Research Clinic Has Finally Opened a Department For Endo Research. I’ve been asked to participate in the study and i’m really considering it. I Personally Do Not Think I’ll make a difference, but i don’t want to give up the possibilities because who knows, twenty years from now my DNA in a rat may be helpful for the cures of others. The only thing Really Irritating me is the Mice Themselves. I’m usually never like -intensely ”animal activist . but i wish they wouldn’t do it on these poor creatures. But Its better than giving experimental drugs to humans (which i have also taken part in a study; containing Prostate Cancer Drug ; Depro Lupron ) I’m Just Hoping this Research ends up positive to the Endometriosis Community, it’ll take awhile. But Maybe Its Worth It.