Dealing with myself &

I’ve never been so busy before. I’m so exhausted. Saturday and Sunday were crazy. This week is “pride week” or “spirit week” whatever you want to call it. So I decided that ill try going in early, for the entire day to see if I could physically tolerate it. Two days. I did it for two days. But now I can’t even make it out of bed to go in my normal delayed start. I’m so exhausted and uncomfortable.I just want to crawl out of my body.
I have no idea how I’m going to get my diploma on time; and it devastates me. I wish things were easier. But I wish I was easier on myself as well.

I think I’m depressed.
I just don’t want to do anything anymore. Like leave my bed, continue working on art, and I’m not excited for my 5k anymore. I just don’t want to leave my bed.
Oh. And pain. Lots of abdominal back and pelvic pain.
I don’t know what to do.

I Hate How Unconfident I Am. Ive always been like this but once my chronic pain had gotten worse last year, so did my confidence. I Can’t Take care of myself like I Used to. And I Hate it. I Miss loathing in simple vanities; like wearing actual pants and brushing my hair. whenever i see myself in the reflection of a door or window i feel like absolute scum. I Hate it. And I’ve also lost a lot of important relationships because of my anxieties and unconfindence. Like- i feel like a burden to whomever I’m around. Because how sick i am, and how unpredictable my pain can be.But i’ve never felt so alone or vulnerable before. I Hate This and I wish I knew a way to fix this.

I’m Physically and emotionally hurting tonight.

Bad. but I’m starting to realize this is an everyday thing. Which Makes it worse.

I Feel So Alone; i wish all of this would stop.

I had a bad pain day today. it hurts to do anything.

More like a bad pain Week. i don’t think ill be well enough for physical therapy. or anything tomorrow.

 i just feel so awful and i always feel so guilty when i cant. thanks to my parents if i don’t have a productive day; my mind is programmed to rip itself up.

I Hate This.

I Cant Fucking Stand Myself Anymore.

on and off Suicidle thoughts And Severely Depressed for the last 6 years.

And Every day for weeks now i cant stop thinking about it.

This is Fucking Hell.

I’m In So Much pain today. I Fucking Hate This.I Just Wish There was something in the mean time that i can do to stop it. or at least make it feel a little better.

And yesterday was shit.I’m So Sick of people. the more i go to school and or social events someone always ends up making me feel awful about myself. all my peers are ass wholes.

And I Have a 3 tests tomorrow. and i cant concentrate on anything and the pain im having will probably convince me to go to sleep soon.i Don’t See why i don’t just drop out already. I’m so frustrated with everything.

i Wish there was SOMETHING. that can make any of my social, academic and or physical problems a littler easier. That would make the world to me right now.

The Past Couple of days my depression has been really horrible. i cant really explain it. i dont cut my wrists or do anything attention seeking or anything like that. no self harm. but no real self healing either. i try meditation, everything. but i just feel so empty. and i feel like I’ve said this so many times but i really feel hopeless and its a terrifying thing. i broke down at my 1st PT appointment. i didn’t see the point of it. i just ended up embarrassing myself. like- i just don’t see how much longer i can drag this out. i just wait for doctors appointments. they’re the only thing i look forward to anymore. whats the news? whats going on? what do i need to do to maybe fix all of this. and every time i go to the doctors they say its only going to take longer and somewhere deep in my mind i don’t it to be true but yet im still here saying “if it’ll help I’m willing to do it”  but now i just don’t believe it. the stress, the pain that’s either “in my head” ,”neurological” and or “real”; i cant cope in a productive, effective way anymore. and its scary.

I Just Hope this is my period. my period my period. it plays mind games with me and I’m so terrified by it. i get like this all the time but it never gets any less scary. my period. landed me a place at a mental hospital almost 2 years ago.i just wish i had someone to help guide me through this, how to deal with chronic pain effectively and Ive never felt so alone.

I Just Really Wish. I Knew how to handle this. The stress is making me so much more sick. i can barely talk to anyone anymore without breaking down. I Just.. How Do You Get A Tour Guide When You’re Going Through Hell?

I’m So Agitated right now. and everything hurts. everything bothers me.

that’s why i haven’t been posting. everything has been the same and its been hell.

I’m so run down and irritable lately and its been impossible to be productive. I’m really agitated with myself and the way my health is developing. i just want it all to stop but I’ve never felt so stuck before.

 I just want to throw in the towel and call it quits.

There Is Nothing happy about it.

i already took 2 naps today. its noon and I’m so exhausted. i did nothing “wild” last night besides cry about today. I honestly Wish Today was over because there’s nothing to celebrate. over the year I’ve become anti-social, emotionally unstable and more sick.

I’m Sick Of The “birthday punches” that my own body has given me so far today. fuck you; uterus, limbs, joints and Intestinal tract.i hate you guys :(( 

I Just Want To Go Back To Bed. 

I’m So Frustrated. I Want to Eat Go To Sleep And Never wake up unless somehow all my pain magically disappears forever.

But that’s Different from wanting to die. I Feel like people don’t understand the difference and i kind of wish they did.It’s just Severe frustration

I Hate When I’m Like this. Depression sucks, and its not only that, the suicide Thoughts, and the lack of hope. I Just Really Don’t know how to handle it anymore because i cant even handle my own body. I Hate Mourning my own life while trying to live it just because my body cant function correctly. 

Its Funny Too because everyone keeps telling me “things get better” when once it did get better, it became dramatically worse. I Did Cross Country and My IBS and Endo got better and then, whatever the fuck happened with my back- i can barely walk anymore- so besides my entire body feeling like its bruised, my IBS and endo gets worse because the lack of exercise  The Doctors Think My Gardezal Shot set off “fibromyalgia” but its not a legitamite diagnoses yet. But I’m Just On So Many Medications I’m Beyond Aggitated.

I’m So Fucking Sick of this bullshit, because i’ve been pushing through this for so long, and i’m starting to regret not killing myself when i had the chance, because now i don’t think i’m strong enough to even do it. 

This Is So Beyond Frustrating. I Don’t know How To Fucking Handle This Anymore. It’s Funny too, because morally i’m against it, but the amount of deaths in my area  i don’t want to be another “number” on that list of adolescents who weren’t strong enough. But I Honestly don’t want to live in pain everyday, its exhausting  and right now, i feel so sick, (physically and emotionally)

And i Don’t want to go to another mental hospital where i don’t belong, surrounded by drug addicts and “almost murderers” and rapists. I Have Real Pain. I’m Not Crazy; i’m just want to be able to live my life without spending all of it in bed. 

Is That To Much To Ask For?

(and ill be fine. i’m just going to cry and go to bed. which is how I’ve made it 6 years without actually going through with this whole suicide thing. Its so frustrating.i cant even describe how frustrating this is, this is a nightmare.)

So Another Death happened in my town, its starting to get depressing. i usually don’t know the people but my peers are doing a lot of mourning. Usually it’s a lot of teen deaths-suicide or violence related. Its awful know how you wonder “who’s going to be next” etc. And Its Super Weird because no matter how depressed and emotionally unstable i am, I’ve Made it this far.  I’d Just Love To see This Town Go ONE YEAR without a death.  

Is That Too Much To Ask?