Dealing with myself &

I’m starting to realize I’m a lot more stressed than I thought I was. Like a ball of yarn I look nice on the outside but I’m just one big ole knot on the inside. I’m so stressed I’m shocked my neck doesn’t look like the hulks’. I’m just a exhausted mess. Anxiety is BAD.

I’m so hot and uncomfortable. The temperature is scorching and my body is attacking me. So I took medicine. I’m still on fire and now I’m noxious and I want to throw up, maybe feel better and die.

I took three naps today. I get exhausted from not only the chronic daily pain, but also the coping strategies that are supposed to suppress the pain. And it’s almost bedtime.

For the past week and a half my ibs and fibro symptoms have been flaring up and I haven’t been to school and Its impossible to be comfortable. I haven’t gotten a break. I feel almost bed ridden, and I have started to occasionally think about suicide again. The suicide audiation haven’t been as bad as they used to be, but they’re coming back. So I’ve been trying my hardest to stay busy but it’s so difficult when I’m in this much pain. I’ve been trapped in the house. And trapped in my body. I just don’t know if I’m going about this the right way. Like I know coping strategies but I don’t think I am applying them correctly. But I’ve been a busy body trying to do so with gardening, knitting, homework, painting, Netflix and of course cuddling with my dog (and the continual doses if laxatives that haven’t done the trick yet)But I feel like its not enough. But I’m sick. And I’m tired but I know if I lay down my depression might worsen. I’m just so exhausted and emotionally and physically drained. I just want my life back.

Literally.
This week has been so awful. I don’t know if its because the change of the weather that’s making my fibro flare up or what. But for once my fibro isn’t bad today but my ibs is giving me hell.
But I’m trying to make the best of it. Which is almost impossible; it’s hard to stay positive when your body is fighting against you. But I’ve drawn, painted and knitted a little bit here and there.
Although;
I’ve almost missed the entire week of school because of this. And I’m trying so hard to go.i miss going out.
I hate to complain but I feel like I’m going a little coo coo from all the stress. I just need a break.

And I haven’t even gotton out of bed today

I woke up at 5am because my body was telling me to pee. But now its just reminding me of all the scar tissue in my abdomin. I don’t like endometriosis. Nope. Not one bit.

I’ve Been Putting off getting my permit. But I Think I’m About to Put it off Again. My Back Hurts so much and my elbows, and well, you know, all The Fibro Areas. I Hate Feeling so far behind my peers, most them already have their licences. and with my body hurting like this so much, Who Knows If I Can physically tolerate Driving.

I’ve never been so busy before. I’m so exhausted. Saturday and Sunday were crazy. This week is “pride week” or “spirit week” whatever you want to call it. So I decided that ill try going in early, for the entire day to see if I could physically tolerate it. Two days. I did it for two days. But now I can’t even make it out of bed to go in my normal delayed start. I’m so exhausted and uncomfortable.I just want to crawl out of my body.
I have no idea how I’m going to get my diploma on time; and it devastates me. I wish things were easier. But I wish I was easier on myself as well.

I think I’m depressed.
I just don’t want to do anything anymore. Like leave my bed, continue working on art, and I’m not excited for my 5k anymore. I just don’t want to leave my bed.
Oh. And pain. Lots of abdominal back and pelvic pain.
I don’t know what to do.

So the pharmacy. Likes to give me wrong medication. So guess who is ganna be a vegetable today in one of the few days of the year that I get to see my grandparents. I’m thinking of egging Rite Aid with hard boiled eggs. That is if I could lift my arms. Jesus Christ.

Sore achy distressed.

But on the bright side, I’ve been having a lot less “bad days” lately.

Pre-existing fibromyalgia, new congestion . Im starting to think I’m cursed.

Not for what it looks like
It’s shape nor its size
But for how it works on the inside
Because It doesn’t.

I have actual plans tomorrow with actual people other than my family and I’m beyond excited. For once a social situation won’t be completely awful. Optimistic about it but Wish me luck; because somehow ill probably mess this up.