Dealing with myself &

Sometimes i feel like i come off as if im too negative. but i do try my best to focus on the positives. Every day i come up with a list of things im greatfull for in my head and repeat them until they seem to override the ugly in the day. it may sound crazy but it helps when im in the depression cloud. I Need to do this more often though*

So my family and i were watching this program on ABC about what is heaven, how do you get there, etc. My family is christian, except for me. On the show it talked about each religions view on heaven and how to get there, etc. And Still the only religion that makes sense to me is Buddhism.

I’m Terrified though because as mainstream judgemental Christians my parents are(and the rest of my adult family), if they even find out I’m considering it, they might try to send me an appointment for an exorcism. But i think what turns me off to Christianity is that they have so much hate that they just try to save others when they need to be saved themselves.Their closed mindedness and intolerance for people is almost embarrassing. & im not trying to offend any christians out there because i personally adore alot of you (aka my cheetah gurl for life Vivian.hope she sees this.aha.:)) ; the ones that actually believe in loving your neighbors. unlike the seemingly majority which seem to bash gays, people of other religion, etc. 

Just Having a clear peaceful heart and a tolerant loving outlook on life and others seems like the easiest way to enjoy life, instead of baskings on the ”flaws” of other people.  i just hope that i can come out with my religion without being butchered with questions. and hopefully once that’s down i can eventually come out of the closet. but that wont be until awhile. To Whatever God Is Out there, Please Let my family accept me for who i am. 

This Past week has been so stressful, like all the other weeks, but this one.. wasn’t a “normal” stressful week. i was in the E.R for two nights in a row, one to visit a friend on suicide watch and the other because of a pain flare up.  Then of course finals are coming up and I’m no where ready for them, I’m still struggling to catch up in all of my school work. I’m also Pmsing so I’m constantly eating, convincing myself that I’m no good and i don’t deserve anything and ive been very sexually frustrated as well…because that’s what hormones do i guess. oh, and as well as additional pain from the gut. its just been so stressfull. and ive been thinking so much and thinking usually isnt a good thing for me..

but on a lighter note i tried hemp milk today and it was really.. odd. i got the same reaction from it as i did when i first tried soy milk… but hopefully once i get used to it it’ll treat my tummy with care. and my diet has been fucked up, ive been slipping up, so Ive had some cookie dough here and some mac n cheese there and just a lot of dairy gluten and egg products which aren’t good for me… (my excuse is PMS cravings..) but Ive decided that I’m going to go vegan for a week again or so so i can get back on the healthy-not as much pain- diet that i need to be on so i can function some. because honestly, Ive been putting shit into my body. i regret it.

I Just hope i dont make anymore stupid decisions becuase even though ive been so stressed about school, health should be my main focus, even though it hasnt been lately. i need to get control back into my life becuase i just feel like a mess. i need to clean up my act. but im not sure how well that would help with my stress

Im just tired. i have only 10 more days left of school… and hopefully my stress will calm done once its finished. i need, a relaxing productive summer this year.

Lately Ive Been Thinking It Has Nothing To Do About Hope, Its About Strength.