Dealing with myself &

My Joints are killing me so I’m going to engorge myself into the Tonight show and My History Project, and if that’s not enough to tire me out ill watch some Disney movies. its been a rough week so far.

I’m So Frustrated. I Want to Eat Go To Sleep And Never wake up unless somehow all my pain magically disappears forever.

But that’s Different from wanting to die. I Feel like people don’t understand the difference and i kind of wish they did.It’s just Severe frustration

Why Did I Just Eat? i may be the stupidest person right now. Whenever i eat, i get severe stomach cramps. I Just want to get calories without drinking chicken broth all the time. oh my lord. Why?

This is So Frustrating. Aurrrg.

So I’m Sitting here with my pile of makeup work and an awful stomach ache. i wouldn’t be as stressed if my mom left me alone. she thinks that my blood sugar is low and that’s why i never feel good. So for the past few days shes been trying to stab me with on of those glucose testers- those things that people with diabetes use.I have IBS and Endometriosis. She wants me to eat so my blood sugar can be higher so i can feel better- I’m Not a Diabetic, And if i eat at all my IBS will flare up more. I’m Exhausted. I Just want to be left alone and be productive today even though i am having pain. I Don’t Want today To Be A complete Waste.

Where i wish they would prescribe my pain medicine, whatever it is. My IBS, My Endo, They Just Intertwine together and reek havoc on my body. I Want to sleep but The pain Is keeping me up, which is physically exhausting. except somehow its not exhausting enough to get me to sleep.

& I’m so sick of people saying, oh, just take more ibuprofen, take more Tylenol. because it doesn’t work. and they only reason why they wont prescribe it is because they don’t want me getting addicted. but- I’m to the point where overdosing on extra strength tylenol doesn’t even start to relieve the pain.

I Just Want Need Relief.

i feel like the youngest old lady ever, my bones kill. i feel like i have arthritis maybe. and i just wish the positive effects of my lupron shots would kick in. i know. patience but Ive been on it for almost a month and I’m only experiencing the beautiful weight gain, bone brittleness, moody attitudes, breast growth and heat flashes. I’m just so exhausted, and my irons low too so my hair is falling out, - because of my Endo Diet and My family’s lifestyle its impossible to get ATON of iron in it with me being able to eat it. i feel male nourished. or something like that. Life’s been so exhausting  lately.

why is treatment discovery related so much to the type of disease, can we please treat it according to pain? Can We Find A cure Please?  I Don’t want to suffer through this any longer. this is hell.

I Think The Only Way I’m going to achieve, is by pushing my self further than the edge, because little changes aren’t big enough, i need a revolution to save myself. 

i want my life to end tonight

Usually its never personal or has an emotional toll on the mind. but tonight it does. I’m doing a Close reading paper, three to five pages long , on the the theme of the novel Ellen Foster. And All I’m Thinking of it my setbacks and my struggles as well as Zack’s death. I just wish i could stop. i have a page and a half more to go through. i don’t know if i can do this. i hate facing this in such a close detail.

Whenever I am sick my sister and I always fight but she’s usually the one knocking me down. She screamed at me earlier from keeping her up from crying last night. I have been sick and in so much pain the past couple of days. Earlier she says ” well it’s better to be a bitch than to care” and by far that has been the most selfish thing she has said to me. But besides our arguments I just don’t feel safe around her anymore. I try to be nice but when I’m in any pain she goes off on me. She has also dared me to commit suicide multiple times. I cannot stand her. She is violent and cruel. I want out of this family

I’ve been doing a lot of it regarding my endometriosis. Cures, help, or any relief. So far I have tried the majorities. Like cutting food out of my diet ( I’ve started that years ago because of sensitivities) and the only thing that seems to help is my acid reflux. I read that hysterectomies only work on 4% of patients. I’m already on my recommended dose if progesterone and other pills to slow down the process of it’s growth ( I don’t know the name of the medication)
I’m going to see my gynecologist out at children’s hospital in Boston next Monday.I don’t know what’s going to happen but I personally am going to ask for stronger medication because this disease is so painful besides the additional stress. I can’t describe the agony I’m in right now. It’s just awful