Dealing with myself &

My Upper Back And Abdomen Are Giving Me Hell Today. I Only made it into school two days this week. and I’m not going in today; but hopefully i can be somewhat productive.

Well. Yeah I Know I’m Sick.

But Doctor’s Visits Have been a lot more frequent lately. Chiropractor 3x a week. IV Nutrients 2x a week; and Therapy Once a week (even though that’s not “enough” according to the pain clinic in Boston) & That once in awhile where i need to see Primary Care. Urg. I’m Just Exhausted.And…They Keep. Adding Pills. This is extremely frustrating. i don’t know what else to say besides I’m Happy That My Birthday Lands on a Sunday; When all the Doctors Office’s are closed. 6 more days until I’m 17. whoop whoop.

My Confidence is so low, along with the self esteem. i’ve never felt so repulsive.I Don’t dress up, and lately im having a difficult time keeping care of my self. But even though my hair is a mess, and all i wear is men’s clothes. like- i dont believe that I’m ugly.Far From it. but- the stress and all of the pain that i’ve been receiving, it makes me feel disgusting. I Don’t really know how to explain this; but i feel awful about myself.

I’m So Frustrated. I Want to Eat Go To Sleep And Never wake up unless somehow all my pain magically disappears forever.

But that’s Different from wanting to die. I Feel like people don’t understand the difference and i kind of wish they did.It’s just Severe frustration

So Currently I’m battling a serious battle of whether or not i will involve myself in some stress eating. Its A Toughie. My Feelings Say Yes, My IBS and Gut Says No.

Me Being agitated and being around irritating people is going to make me fat. i miss cross country. i miss a clear face , i miss that time period where i didn’t feel so shitty; and i just feel 100% gross.

I hate Being Sick and so jealous of people. They Complain all the time and im just sitting there “Damn, i wish i had it that easy, i wish i had your problems instead of my own”

But This Truly Is More than a just physical struggle, its also an emotional slaughter house.

I Feel So Overwhelmed by everything. Thanksgiving is right around the corner and moms trying to get the house clean, which immediately means the entire family cleans. This Weekend i have to clean up the dining room which I’ve been using as my “art studio”, paint bottles and canvases are everywhere, and there’s not a lot of space in the house that i can actually store them, so for the next two months they’ll most likely be crammed in my bedroom. That and The Homework. I have to work nonstop to finish them because their do in a few days. I’m Just So Exhausted by the Idea of any work in general. Not That I’m lazy; its just. The Chronic Fatigue has been really getting to me lately. The School Week Was Exhausting and i don’t get a break once school gets out for the day because the pain usually kicks in more around noon. heavy drugs, then once they wear off i have to push my self to do homework if I’m not asleep by then. and Weekends consist of all my makeup work and projects. i never really do get a break. It’s unbelievably exhausting. i dont know how much longer i can do this. I Need A Nap.

Today I Went to Boston For Some Doctor Appointments. And This Is The First, And Hopefully the start of many car rides home where i do not spend the 2 hour car-ride Crying.

For The First Time The Doctors Are Listening. They’re Not Just Shoving pills down my throat; even though they have given me a new prescription  The New Pain Management team i have, listens to every aspect of the body and they listen and try to accommodate more holistic treatments than the traditional handful of pills. My GYN unfortunately hasn’t helped, but he has apologized for some misunderstandings in the past.

But The Research Clinic Has Finally Opened a Department For Endo Research. I’ve been asked to participate in the study and i’m really considering it. I Personally Do Not Think I’ll make a difference, but i don’t want to give up the possibilities because who knows, twenty years from now my DNA in a rat may be helpful for the cures of others. The only thing Really Irritating me is the Mice Themselves. I’m usually never like -intensely ”animal activist . but i wish they wouldn’t do it on these poor creatures. But Its better than giving experimental drugs to humans (which i have also taken part in a study; containing Prostate Cancer Drug ; Depro Lupron ) I’m Just Hoping this Research ends up positive to the Endometriosis Community, it’ll take awhile. But Maybe Its Worth It.

I Need to make up a history test tomorrow but I’m so tired and sore. my concentration and memory sucks lately. So Studying is going to be put off and I’m going to bed.

I Want to be able to function, i hate saying this but i miss studying and being a nerd bird.I Miss understanding what people are saying. i feel retarded. I’m always saying “What?” I Feel Like Autistic Kids Are Getting by easier than i am. at least they can clearly respond to people, who cares if they’re yelling. they’re doing it while 5 minutes past and I’m still wondering what the hell just came out of their mouths.the only thing i remember is them looking at me and opening their mouths,after that its all a blur. Damn. I Need to get off of whatever is making me feel this way. The sad thing is i have no idea what it is. Argh.

My Sister is using basically using my chronic illnesses for drugs.

Because I might be eligible for medicinal marijuana, she wants me on it asap she we can have the green buddies growing in our home. Weed was only legalized in our state two days And Shes So Excited about it. Last Night We Were Talking and she straight out said to me “I can Sell Your Percocets for $20 each and buy so much weed with that” Like Honestly- Heyy I Need those Percs Because i AM in that much pain.It’s the Most Irritating thing in the world.

If it wasn’t for my medical issues and the pain I’m in i wouldn’t even consider touching marijuana, but going through trail and error with all these prescription drugs and getting no relief; I’m kind of desperate. I Just Want Want the pain to stop. But once i do or even if i do, ill have have her stealing them somehow behind my back. She Disgusts me, and I’m absolutely irritated.

So, After a month of physical therapy for my back pain that was/is caused by “stress”; i go back to the doctors and this time they’re pretty sure its fibromyalgia now since the back pain and joint pain has been significantly increasing. So I’m seeing a specialist about 2 weeks from now. I’m so frustrated, a few months ago i thought nothing could feel worse than my stomach pain but this pain has completely distracted me from that.

Dealing with this every day is so exhausting and its only Monday. My God.

So it’s midnight, and my body woke itself up and I’m in an awkward amount of pain and I’m exhausted but i know i wont be able to get back to sleep. and oh! i Have School tomorrow. Joy.

Wow, It’s Really Good I Don’t Have School Today. Pain Everywhere. & I Hate it.

Well Thanks Hurricane Sandy For Giving Me A Free Doctors Note*. 

In My Old Spice Bubble Bath of mine…

That Stress Has Made Me More Sick Than I Could Ever Imagine. Not Mentally, well. that too. But The Stress I’ve Had Has caused 6 major trigger points on my back, just caused from “severely” tight knots. So Not Only Does My IBS flare when i stress, i get sharp back cramps randomly throughout the day

I’m Seriously Considering the use of medical marijuana, except its not legal in my state of Masswholechusetts. I Just think its funny how they say its a gateway drug, because i’m addicted too percasets from visiting the ER so much,Plus them perscribing them for me doesn’t help either.  Also The Fact That most Pain Meds Have Symptoms of constipation. (I Have Constipation side of IBS..so. aha guys this isn’t funny, plus i’ve also gotten ulcers from Ibeprofen)

I Feel Kinda Crazy Thinking about it though since i do try to stay my best to stay straightedge and use “proactive” coping skills. But I Mean- It seems so much more better. since most of my problems flare up when stress is about and its just a cycle of ridiculouse pain. Or Maybe Its My Lack of Faith In The Health Industry. I Dont know. but i’m desperate for help. i just want to be functional again Is That Too Much To Ask for?

My School Sent Me Home With A Temp of 99.5

The Funny thing I Didnt Know I Was Even Sick Becuase Of All My Other Problems.

Oh God. Aha.

So Some People From School Call Me “Artsy Fartsy” So Im Thinking.. Does That Mean Tonight Im Gassy?

Becuase Im Working This Paint. & Once In My Life IBS isnt acting up.