Dealing with myself &

Its Bothering me. Just Because One treatment or experience hasn’t helped them doesn’t mean it wont help me. and honestly this is my last resort by trying all the alternatives because conservative/traditional medicines haven’t had a positive effect on my health.  Sorry I have Faith in people, even if they don’t have a white jacket, because often those can be very intimidating.

I Just Don’t See The Problem with it. It’s my health not yours. and saying how chiropractors cant help me because they aren’t real doctors. is like saying Exercise cant help reduce the effects of stress, or how eliminating meat out of your diet cant help lower cholesterol. Which is all complete Bullshit.

I just don’t understand how its ignorant of me to widen my options since traditional things haven’t helped me. and honestly their just making asses out of themselves.

Yesterday was awful. At French class i got kicked out because i refused to take a test i wasn’t ready for, prior to that i haven’t been to school in a week. i got yelled at two teachers (two foreign language teachers) screaming accusing me of not “trying hard enough” and “skipping”. which killed me since i try so hard. living with chronic pain is hard enough, let alone just sitting in class and being covered in uncomfortable cramps. I Have a 504, and it specifically says that i will make up work when prepared to. but fuck, no ones going to listen to that. But For the past few Years, Ive had the phrases “you’re not going to make it through high school” & “She’s just going to rot in her bed for the rest of her life”  Thanks To My Guidance Counselor And My Lovely S.O.B. dad. I Would always push myself to work past that so what they say would never become a reality, but now, i think that Ive pushed myself to the point where i want to give up.  

I’m So Disappointed in myself. Maybe What They’ve Told me Is True.I Wont become Anything because i CANT do anything, Even if i try. Ill be in bed for the rest of my days. Too Bad I Wanted to make something of myself. I Hate To Think This Way But I Cant Even Do Anything I Want When I Can. I’m Disabled and i feel like my freedoms have been stripped away. I’m So Sick of The Pain. I Want This To Be Over.

Dying Seems Like An Alright Plan Right Now.

i want to be home schooled.

only because in public schools, I’m surrounded by idiots.

at lunch today there was a heated discussion of how eggs are a dairy product. Yes. because cows lay eggs.

i have no hope for my generation.

why is treatment discovery related so much to the type of disease, can we please treat it according to pain? Can We Find A cure Please?  I Don’t want to suffer through this any longer. this is hell.

I Think The Only Way I’m going to achieve, is by pushing my self further than the edge, because little changes aren’t big enough, i need a revolution to save myself. 

i want my life to end tonight

It Must be a relapse of time or something. everything has been going by so quickly and the clock seems as if its been spinning much faster. except my life is on repeat and nothing is changing and everything is just bringing me to the past- which is still my present technically. but all the emotions and pain have been bubbling up and through out me Ive been so irritable. I Wish this wasn’t real. I Wish I Was someone else. There’s so many factors that contribute to my frustration but the huge issue is, there’s no counselor, not a friend really there to understand, and hugely, no real resolution. Its Beyond Frustrating and Ive entered that mindless walk of hopelessness even though now i have a diagnoses. Ive just lost allot of faith, not only in religion but in myself. I Cant Bring myself to believe anything more, that’s probably why everything feels so fake. I’m in denial. because i just don’t want to live like this. i don’t want to eat like i am, be sad as i am, and etc. people always say that you have to make you’re own happiness. but its so hard to make it last and its so much easier to make your own depression. i really don’t know how to help myself. Ive finally started to exercise and my diets been running smoothly(ish) but I’m so unhappy with it. i know i can be stubborn but hell. but. i cannot imagine being miserable for the rest of my life. i don’t want to carry on like this. I’m Stuck. I Want to Give Up. But Somehow i have this drive of perseverance, i don’t know where it comes from, but its not letting me quit. its so. exhausting. I Need Help.

I Can Assure You, I’m Not Ever Going To Be Okay.

I Want you to wash me away along with this emotional pain.

I Want To Start Living Again.