im exhausted and tired. and im done with this shit.i want to go home but im already there. i just cant wait till friday and the following week. i cant wait to get away from my immediate family, talk some shit about them and their stupid drunk friends. and actually get out and do shit.
ive been so bitchy, cranky and pissed lately. i need to get out of this hell hole.
why im awake, i have no idea but i just dont feel like myself lately. the cramps, the eating habits, the medications, the styles, and the love. everything feels so different and i know its still the same. i regret earlier today becuase one of my crushes found out a have a tiny thing for him. its tiny. very , microscopic.and he sent me a “♥” on facebook. but it kind of made my night. but now that its morning. i think, i shouldnt have bothered. ive been single for. 6 months now? i prefer it this way. i should wait until i can appreciate myself first, that and. i dont like guys the way i used too. i dont know what to do.
i feel so creative tonight. so ofcourse my artistic abilities kicked in. id love to show tumblr what I’m making, but i wish i knew how to use my scanner.but i never get creative sparks like this. This is incredible.
I Think I Have One. But I Don’t Know What It Is. && I Cant Tell You how Scary It Is When Who You are, they go against.
ive been raised up in a baptist christian church.and it has been hell.
although, prayer has helped me get through alot of my medicle treatments. such as my foot surgery and countless endoscopies, whatever else. but the problem is, all these people know about me, and i dont know them and they know whats going on with me. i dont like strangers knowing my business. expecially when they have the nerve to confront me about it the way they do.
and i am not openly gay. around my parents, or the public, only to the peers at school, and four family members.and its scary, becuase the last thing i need to be is judged.
and the preacher, always knows how to get under my skin, and today, might as well be the day that i scream from the pews what needs to be said.
i just realized I’m depriving myself of my talent, i haven’t drawn, doodled, painted or anything recently. maybe this is why I’m on edge and going insane with all this intense anxiety. i need to find my water colors now and paint every surface imaginable. i don’t want to loose something this incredible. sometimes it feels like its all Ive got.
i had a doctors appointment in Boston today.my GI doctor recommended me to see a GYN pediatrics doctor.
for the past 3 years the doctors have seen me as an IBS patient. Ive had pain every single day for quite some time and there was never a clear answer. but that changed today
The Doctor i visited told me that i have to get a Laparoscopy in early September 2011 to see if i have endometriosis. he came to the conclusion so quickly. i was in complete shock. I’m really shooken up about it. i know there isn’t a cure, but throughout my entire journey with the constant misdiagnoses there was never a cure to any of it. i think the only thing that shocked me, was that they finally found something that could help me. and its took this long to figure out.
We aren’t completely sure if i really do have this, but ill be going under the knife anyways. this will be my 2nd surgery,- not including the endless colonoscopies and endoscopies,tonsil removal and teeth extractions.
ive been reading articles on wikipedia and other sorces. and i came across this “In addition, women who are diagnosed with endometriosis may have gastrointestinal symptoms that mimic Irritable bowel syndrome.” this, is probally when reality hit me. that this is most likely my reality.
of course this isn’t my complete story, but its the update so far in my battle. my reaction on this, is completely mixed. and im terrified of the outcome. im terrified of continueing my life with all the pain that ive been having. i think i was happier, without a diagnosis.
i just got back home. Ive been in the vacation land for about 5 days and had a magnificenttime with my family. Ive also had the time to work on getting back on my diet- which should be vegan or pretty close to it. now its only a matter of time to teach myself and my mother how to cook tofu. and for me to go gluten free as well. because my cousin in vegan as well, it was easier to be “converted” because everything is so much harder when you have to go through it alone. I Haven’t felt physically better but knowing I’m eating healthier doesn’t make me feel like such a fatty. I’m just waiting for my body to adjust now. and hopefully ill be close to pain free. imtrying to keep the hope continuing.
Its really Hard to change your diet when you love food and the nutrients. its hard to change in general. I’ve been learning this for a few years. but I’m willing to change to feel better.but its still challenging.
I went Out To Connecticut today for a doctors appointment. and they see past the depression and see my underline problem. && i have a little more hope today and its extremely wonderful. Although It a Forty Minute Drive, It May be worth it because I could manage this mess of mine :)